You may think I am talking about the toungue, however I am talking about the mind. Sometimes it speaks louder than the words that come out of the mouth. My brain yells and my heart mourns.
Then I remember sometimes God talks and meets you in the silence.
Sometimes God takes you on a path that you dont understand. When God does something you didn’t plan for your life. It may look like a punishment or that He didn’t hear your prayers at all. As I go through the challenges of being pruned I feel alone. I tell God my fears of being judged and disliked and it seems like He couldn’t care less how I feel. I scream at the top of my lungs and tell the Potter, this is not what I prayed for!
When I don’t hear a response. He seems so far away. When I dont get my way, I call Him unjust. Then because of His love, He sends a comforter. His devoted Spirit comes to little ol’ me, a sinner and calms my anxiety. So I eat my words and complaints and realize that you can not tell the Potter, the Creator, the King of Kings how you would like to be molded.
The only thing you can do is surrender. To know that you serve a Sovereign God. As you submit your will to His Will. He walks with you and shows you He’s been there all along. My steps becomes ordered.
Your eyes are opened and your more refined. Then you stand on the other side only to be confronted that we are all tied together as a body. He just placed me on another part of the vineyard.
<span;>Lord. There has been so much on my mind, to the point I am not sure if I am really living. It feels like I am watching my life go by. That I am an actor playing the part of Sharda. Working long days trying to get the part right. Some days I am not motivated to play her, I feel that she is rude and full of herself. Then some days I feel that she is broken and so insecure. I look at her through the lense of judgement and I wonder when will she realize that she no longer has to put on this facade. Sometimes I say today I am living the part and I am women hear me roar! That feeling only last but a few hours and I step right back out of the role to watch my life go by. I believe for everyone else for I know how GREAT God is! So I tell the good news while I cry inside. I testify the great works only to go in a hiding place of Netflix and social media. What are you doing?! Why must you be this way. Constantly wondering why her friends can’t see the pieces of hurt I leave behind, why her husband can’t read her mind, and why her child thinks she’s the best thing since slice bread. I am not enough? No I am more than enough! That’s the battle that plays over and over in my head.
<span;>Stop watching your life go by Sharda! Get up and know whose you are. Keep going, please. It’s a new day, and if that’s to big to conquer. Its a new minute just focus on the creater for that minute until you can make it to the next.
<span;>Live.</span;></span;></span;>
I keep telling myself that I am a woman and its OK that I have insecurities… but is that really a good excuse??? Should we harbor those insecurities and then clothed them on our bodies like those favorite pair of jeans… I mean really ladies is that what we are meant to do…
As I let that statement settle in , I cant help but to think how to take off those jeans. And how hard is that process when there is soooo many things that I would like to change on myself. Who would love and except the width of my nose, the thunder in my thighs, and the pudge in my tummy? I mean you cant even turn on the t.v and look at a burger commercial without seeing a beautiful THIN woman eating one (lol). Oh …and there are all types of ways to “fix” whats wrong with you…. cream to fix your skin, pills to tighten this and that, I mean for goodness sake you can get surgery to change your face completely if you are not happy with it.
So first things first. I have to look to the one who created me and ask Him what to do? Not questions why didn’t he make my boobs bigger and my waist smaller? But to ask for His eyes because He seems see me a lot differently that I see myself(Psalms 139:1414 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well). Then take a picture and focus on what you love! So for me the curves of my hips, the shape of my eyes, and the brightness of my smile is what I will be thankful for.. and Finally… Ladies allow God to work through the rest of your “flaws” because He thinks you are to die for!
Loving me is “A new step, to an old dance”
Sharda Stevens
In a world that constantly moves, you evaluate whats going on in your own personal world….
The more I evaluate the more I feel stuck. I know I am not the only one….but the real question is how do we unstick ourselves? Do we ignore the feeling and live this mediocre life? Or is there a magical oil that will make us non-stick (lol).
I have tried everything from praying, writing down goals, reading self help books….I mean you name it, i have done it!!! Then I stumbled across this video by Priscilla Shirer titled “Toxic Thinking”For as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, “Eat and drink!” But his heart is not with you (Proverbs23:7). The way you feel starts with how you think…. But how do you change the way you think? you might ask.. You have to say those positive and great things to yourself! Not just today but on a daily basis. Then once you believe it now your faith is no longer without works. Now your prayers are more effective! I know your circumstances have not changed (yet) but you being depressed does not change your perspective. Your Perception is your reality. As I express my thoughts to you and minister to myself. I want to try to wake up with positive thoughts each morning and see where that gets me because being angry,sad, or frustrated does not change my situation…. and Yeah you may say being happy doesn’t either… and you are right! But changing the way you think might allows you to be thankful and see things differently.
Food for thought…
Today is the day that everyone’s heart is full of Thanksgiving and Love. You share special moments with your loved ones, and you capture them with a click of a button….We post them for the world to see the beauty of your day.
But on days like this I ponder about those moments and often feel that my world is not a beautiful as theirs. I live in a city with people that have the same blood running through their veins and I couldnt feel more disconnected.
Why am I so selfish, I ask. I cant feel like this for I am so blessed, I bellow. This day is when the most important Person was born to save sinners, how could you be so UNGRATEFUL , I complain! But when I write it down the words becomes so clear why I feel the cracks in my heart… the hurt,my disappointed, and the brokenessential I feel is because I LOVE… I have to be grateful about that, I am here because LOVE died for me.
The moment when you have to get your life together ,that every thing you feel no longer can be expressed because it’s no longer valid. The moment when you put your big girl panties on and you walk tall for no one can see the world on your shoulders. The moment you tell yourself to pray but prayer seems impossible for yourself, the frustration of your flesh is trying to outweigh your faith. The moment when you rather hide behind the walls of your home because the world seems cruel. The moment when you are back to a place that you said you would never be in again for The One you serve is Greater than your fears and the light to your darkness. The moment that your family and friends become your enemies because isolation is so much more inviting.
The moment when the only way to express yourself is to write your the words that you dare not to say out loud
The Moment…..
I know you may be shocked to hear a newlywed say those words but its true. When I look up the word marriage the definition takes LOVE right out of the equation ( the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife).
I think that’s why there are so many martial issues. Married people think of their marriage as a situation their in or contract that can be broken. How can you not forget one of the first covenants that God put into place. When I think of God laying Adam to sleep and then took one of his ribs to make Eve makes me feel special.
If you are married that should make you feel so joined to your spouse and the love that you should have one another should engulf your hearts.
So I am no longer saying that I am married. I will now say that I have been joined together with Alex by God (which is love).
This goes out to all married couples. This is dance with your spouse for a lifetime. Not a contract or business deal that can be broke easily.
As I sit here contemplating about life, I see there is a plethora of constant battles.
I see battles in jobs, marriages, churches ect. Me in particular I’m always fighting my flesh. Fighting my personal will so i can see the Lord’s will come to fruition. I don’t know about you but sometimes I find myself wanting to take a vacation from my normal characteristics. Funny huh? But i am serious. If you think about it and really ask yourself was there times you didn’t want to do the right thing? You wanted lash out in a way that wasn’t Christ like and not be judged for your actions? Yep! That’s what the enemy whispers in my ear from time to time. The reason I am even writing this blog is to let you know that even as a God fearing woman I stumble in my thoughts. I just can’t see where a Christian can get a break! So God started to speak to me. He let me know the reason why we are made is to worship him and trust his plan for our lives. If you ever get overwhelmed and have thoughts like this when you are tired of fighting. Know that you don’t have to fight! You just have to trust in the Lord!
Please read 2 Chronicles vs 17
But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!”
Dances of Life 💗
I was just listening to 90.5 and they were talking about Christians battling with depression, anxiety, or chemical imbalances. How we are scared to reveal those struggles due to our faith….
Well my name is Sharda and I am a 27 year old that battles with anxiety and depression. I do not take pills because of course I know where my help comes from.
I was about 10 when I realized that sometimes I would get sad for no reason. My mom would always comfort me and tell me to pray and that it was OK. As I got older I never wanted to talk about it. I was always afraid to express that some times i feel like the walls are closing and I cant breathe. What will people think??? That I am crazy! Or that I don’t pray or ready the bible enough????
It started to take a toll on my life when my mom passed away. There were days I couldn’t even get out the bed . My doctor told me to get on meds and I told him I would and never filled the prescription. I talked to God and asked Him to help and He has! Do I still have my days? Yes! Do I still need to walk away and have some time for myself? Absolutely! This doesn’t mean I don’t have faith and that I am doubting God. i have come to the realization that I am human… I would never want any of my brothers and sisters in Christ feel they they are alone. We need to help and encourage one another
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